Love Is (not) A Lame Joke

Jen was in trouble. Her heart was trembling so fast and she couldn't stop moving in her room. She moved from her bed side to the window, constantly. She was thinking. Once she stopped at the window, looked at the sky outside her room. It was cloudy. Suddenly she couldn't hold the tears that been hanging on her eyes for quite some times. Tears were falling one by one down in her cheek when she was thinking about her beloved, James. One question has been jumping around her mind ever since, why love turned out such a big  lame joke?

...

She remembered the day they were in love. That their youth filled with laugh and joy. They were young and deep down they knew their love was true. She remembered the day James said, "it was my intention to marry you since the first time I saw you". James was her love of her life, and Jen also was a big part of James's life. They believed that they were meant to be with each other.

When the troubled hit Jen so hard, James was on her side, always. He never left her even for one second. She was a girl who had difficulties to show her emotion infront of others. She known as a sweet cherry and sassy girl back then. Until she met James. That boy brought her sensitive side and he convinced her, "it's okay to cry once in a while". So for the first time, she cried and she cried hard. It was James's shoulder that she used as a shield, it was his chest that she used to lean on. One day he promised her, "I would never walk away from you, no matter what"...

Why? Why? Why? she sounded that word rapidly in her mind and she brought it in her sleep, disturbed her from a peace of the night. James was no longer in her life. He was gone. And Jen had no idea why. Can somebody changed so much? What went wrong?

That night was an ordinary night. They were on the way to Jen's home from her relative's wedding. For a minute they shared jokes about how lame the food was. James was driving and Jen sit next to him. Jen has no idea that after one joke, it was the night James delivered the worst news she ever heard.

"Jen, I think this is it for us", James said. Jen confused. She turned her head and looked at his guy and she saw a cold as a stone kinda expression on James's face. His eyes was blank and suddenly she felt that there was a big thick wall within the empty space that astonished her. "what do you mean?" she asked. And James replied, "I'm not in love with you anymore". It was the day that she knew her world was falling apart.

...

For months, she struggles with loneliness. How to live herself without her loved one. She never heard anything from James again ever since. Whenever she cried he would always make her feel as if he would change the world if he could, so it wouldn't hurt her anymore. But now she's crying and he's not here. She convinces herself that maybe it happen for a reason, one she doesn't understand yet. Her sadness turns into anger, and her anger turns into desperation, until she tired enough. They said time heals wound. In some cases, the more time passes, the more it hurts.

...

Months later. 

Jen went to McDonald to had a lunch and she bumped into someone she knew, her high school mates named Jack. She knew Jack has a crush on her back then. But it doesn't matter now, Jen thought. Unfortunately she was wrong. It was more likely reinventing long lost love for Jack. And after that day, Jack pursue the girl he loves once again. Countless phone calls and text messages intensely sent to Jen. Without hesitation he began to build a certain connection with Jen. 

Jack asked Jen that did she know about the heart feeling. Jen smiled and said, "yes, it is love". Then Jack asked her, "do you fall in love ever with someone in this life?", she answered with a smile. "well, if I was so lucky, I found my love so early in high school and that girl is sitting infront of me now". She laughed. "yea, I thought so, if I'm not mistaken, there was a time I kinda liked you too, Jack". They laughed together. Time passes, Jack's love increases rapidly day by day.

As for Jen, she hasn't ready. In her mind she knows Jack was up to something more than a friend. She knows that she's not desperate enough to accept Jack's love. At one weekend, Jack pry up the previous topic. He couldn't bear distances between them anymore. She said, "why you take that dialogue seriously? I was joking, silly....I was laughing, remember?"

That was the first thing popped out from Jen's mind, she was trying to let him down easily. Jack felt that everywhere bombs were blasting in his heart. Right before he left, he said, "its funny, right? that sometimes I need what only you can provide, your absence". He went aloof.

...

A year has pass. Jen was writing on her journal when her phone rang. She had a text message. She shocked cause it was from James. "I'm outside your door. Please open". She marched to the door and found James standing in the porch. As they stand eye to eye on tryst.

He battered down the silence, "ah, you are here. I was looking so many days for this moment", he said.

"what happen?" Jen curious. She had no idea what he was talking about. He came to Jen and said that he was very please to see her. She replied that she was also glad to see him. He said, “but your face is saying something different.” She turned back and went apart. She was feeling some strange about that guy. His love had penetrated to her heart, but it was a long time ago. Now she doesn't understand at all, seems her face depict her emotion.

He made it clear when he said, "I think we need to sit down and talk. You see, we have so much more than I  ever thought we would, when there's a will, I want to be in it". As he gave her a warm hug, she froze.

Again, Jen is in trouble. She began to recall some memories, one harked back to James. For a year she learns how to accept the fact that maybe they were never meant to be together. Love taught her to expect less, nor at all. And she learns how to not fall in love again, with Jack. Just when she thought all the lessons learned, James's back. Unfortunately for Jen, she can not find her heart in its place. If love is a joke, why she couldn't laugh? She remember someone asked her if she knew James, a million memories flashed through her mind and she whispered, "not anymore".

...

My heart isn't a Disneyland where you can ride a roller coaster, my dear.

 Don't make her wait just because you know she would...

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

saturday romance

Here we are in the middle of the dessert
with the stars above us,
and you still can't tell me you love me...

I'm falling here,
Watching you
As you slowly walk away.

I'm crouching here,
Hating you
As I pick up the little pieces
The little pieces of my heart.

You walked into my life,

only to teach me

how to live alone...

Sometimes I feel as if this is one sided, you know..
If you left me, I'd chase after you right away
But me, if I left you I don't know if you would come after me...

Sometimes I just want to run,
to see if  you'll want me back.

Sometimes I just don't get it...
What would you do if the one who broke your heart
is the only one who can fix it?

I'd like to believe that I'll wake up one day

and not miss him anymore

I'll finally understand that he broke my heart for a reason,

a reason I just don't understand yet...

nothing is forever

forever is a lie

what we had is only between a hello and a goodbye

I could write a love story
and convince every single reader
that I know what I'm talking about.


But the truth is,
when it comes to love
nobody knows what they are talking about.

randomgalau

Aahh.. wiken dateng juga. Dimalam minggu yang galau ini, jawab soal aja lah..

Paling sulit PDKT sama orang yang...
 ...udah mati.

Apa reaksi kalian kalo diajak jalan sama orang yang kalian suka?
Salto keliling lapangan sambil teriak....Kyaaa...Sumpe lo... Sumpe loooo???

Apa yang kalian lakukan kalo ngeliat cowok pake baju warna pink?
"mas bajunya kelunturan ya?" dan memberikan tips mencuci bagaimana memisahkan baju berwarna dengan baju putih...

Andai aku punya pasangan seperti____, pasti hidupku bahagia.
Bill Gates

Masa PDKT itu memang...
boros

Cinta itu dapat membuat seseorang menjadi...
labil

Buat yang jomblo, kalo ditanya soal pacar sama orang, kalian akan...
menamparnya!

Jadi jomblo itu bukan karena nggak laku, tapi karena...
nasib

Apa yang pertama kali kalian katakan kalo pacar bilang kata putus?
"yakin?"

Pacaran backstreet itu rasanya...
seperti nyanyi bersama Nick Carter

Memperlakukan pasangan itu seharusnya seperti kita memperlakukan .......
bapakmu!

Kalo ternyata pasangan kalian gaptek; gak ngerti bbm,twitter,bahkan angkat telpon aja nggak ngerti. Kalian akan .....
mengirimnya ke jaman purba.

Kalo dapet sms dari pacar yg kaya gini "b3!b..Qmu Ja6AN LuP4 m4kaN yAaa." Kalian akan .....
"Qmu Ju94".... lalu extreme ganti nomer!

Kalo ada cowo yg udah berani main kasar ke cewe. Sebagai cewe kita harus ...
belajar tinju.

Kalo pacar bilang "Apa sih yg gak buat kamu..!!". Kira2 pengen minta apa ke pacar ......
dikenalin sama kakaknya. lebih cute.

Gimana cara yg paling baik ngajak pacar untuk menikah .......
"pacar, kawin yuk".

Alasan putus yg paling baik itu, gimana ....
"maaf, bapakku sudah menjodohkan aku dengan lelaki idamanku..."

Teman curhat yg paling baik adalah ......
tembok

Wow!! Hari ini kamu ganteng banget. Mirip ......
Roy Suryo

Aku gak mau tidur sebelum kamu .....
menye menye unyu unyu

Kata yg langsung keluar ketika ngeliat gebetan tepat di depan kita.....
"hey babe!"

Kalo cowo juga PMS. Kira-kira dia akan marah2 juga atau .....
...nanya, "lo bawa softex nggak, gue tiba-tiba dapet nih..."

Kalo ada cowo yg rela nungguin ceweny ke salon, belanja & bayarin cewenya. Cowo kaya gitu termasuk tipe cowo ....
Metropolis

Gimana cara bales dendam yg paling baik ke mantan pacar ......
...diam-diam menyabut infusnya.


Tanda-tanda orang sedang jatuh cinta adalah .....
mau makan ingat kamu... mau tidur juga ingat kamu... sedang bosan kuingat kamu... oh cintaaaaa..

Sejak pertama kali aku melihat kamu. Aku langsung .....
sujud syukur
 
Kalau sedang patah hati. Enaknya kita .....
menjauhkan diri dari pisau, tali tambang dan baygon

Kamu koq lucu banget sih!! Pengen aku .....
pukul manja... *spank...spank...!!

Cara ngelupain mantan yg paling baik, bagaimana ...
amnesia

Sekarang lagi zaman tante2 sama brondong. Kira2 hal itu terjadi karena ....
Ungu, d'masiv, Wali dan Afgan terlalu banyak menciptakan lagu galau

Jangan terlalu lama memendam perasaan, ungkapin aja! Kalo terlalu lama, nanti .......
expired

Malem minggu ini berharap diajak jalan sama siapa?
kamu

Kalo CINTA itu berwujud. Kira-kira wujudnya seperti ......
kamu

*pertanyaan terakhir* TIDUR!! Pengen mimpiin siapa ......
Kamu!!!

Udah ah... cape! see ya

note : soal-soal disadur dari @soalcinta di twitter.com

Kezia Mamoto

Aujourd'hui j'entre à novembre

I quote this sweet poem by Henry Ward Beecher, what he wrote about October.  

"October is nature's funeral month.  Nature glories in death more than in life..."

Like I said in the previous posts, October was the month of death and sadness. The weather brought us such as gloomy feeling, desperate enough about the delayed appointments and, of course, sadness. It has been said according to the nature spoken to us. Rainy season. Disaster in our living place, let's say, flood in Jakarta has made several places seemed death. Bigger disaster also happened in Mount Merapi, central java and Mentawai island, west Sumatra. People were actually death, struggle for their life, still seeking for help and living in shelters and some of them suffering post- traumatic stress from the disaster. Nature's funeral month in our country brought us together to pray for Indonesia, we send our condolence with the sign of a black ribbon.

As I recall, October also brought us some issues about numbers. The myth about numbers related to the  disaster that they found odd on October, 26th. Which was the date of  Mount Merapi volcanic eruption, earthquake and tsunami in Mentawai island. Some people believed the riddle about number 26 was related to specific previous events and somehow, connected to the bible. But, again, personally, I don't believe in coincidence. The other issue that I found more strange was the numbers of 10-10-10. Yup, people got married, celebrated events and others were focus on what they called 'once-in-a-lifetime' numbers.

But now we say g'bye to October and welcome a new month of the year, November.

We begin this month with sequence disaster of Mount Merapi that unleash powerful eruption again. Mount Merapi erupted 4 times after its status was raised to "beware" level, namely on October 26, 30, 31, and last on November 1. Has been reported that the eruption on November 1 occurred at 10.02 a.m. local time when volcanic materials were flung 1.5 km into the sky and there were no volcanic temblors.

My grandma lives in Magelang, about 2 hours from Jogyakarta, and also some families and relatives lives in villages near to Jogyakarta. And I thank God they're ok. I think my mom would ask them to come to Jakarta if things getting worse. I hope it won't. I, personally, don't buy about what they called 'kejawen' that they believe and myth around the Mount Merapi. I just think God speak His words through this events.

As we welcome this month, I think this month will do another business. We're still on a term of rainy season. According to local news, Jakarta will sink! Jakarta`s open green spaces now continued to be reduced. Of the 661.52 sq kilometers of space, now only about 9.6 percent had remained. The remainder has been transformed into building sites. They predicted Jakarta will drown around 2030 to 2050. Well, I'll be old by then. I think it's time to teach my son, Noah to build an ark. Modern ark with air-cons, a king size bed and spa, maybe.

One of my friend told me that there was a rainbow appear in the sky this afternoon, around 5 or 6 pm. Hard to say, was it a rainbow or moonbow? I was reading about this thing, that it was more like a sun rainbow ring kinda thingy or a halo, or maybe what they called circumhorizontal arc (CHA). Well, they said it was another strange phenomenon but as I was looking at the picture, it was a good view around traffic in Jakarta after all.

November already brought businesses for our country. I know it will bring something to our heart and live. For me, I categorized month based on my observation and I make the conclusion in the end of the month. Such as; Sweet Fairy May, Heartbreaks Lune in June, Goodbyes July, Crudest August and SAD Troubler October. The Anglo-Saxons referred to November as the 'wind month' and the 'blood month'. Yet, I still can't refer November to anything, as tomorrow is a mystery. Aujourd'hui j'entre à novembre.

"It's all a farce, – these tales they tell
About the breezes sighing,
And moans astir o'er field and dell,
Because the year is dying."
-   Paul Laurence Dunbar,  Lyrics of a Lowly Life

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

(still) miss you... part III

There's nothing sadder than pouring your heart to someone who doesn't give a damn about you. Sometimes the less you want someone, the more you want them. Even when they try to let you down easily, you find yourself still obsess about them. Is it normal to feel this way?

 
Dear brain, sorry for overloading you of the thought of him
Dear pillow, sorry for the tears
Dear heart, sorry for the damage

It's nice to see you again, I knew you'd
be back. Along with those damn butterflies
you always give me every time you walk into my life.

Sometimes the best memories are sad

Because you know they will never gonna happen again

....can't stop thinking how good it used to be.

Seems I rehearse my mind,
so many times...
How you and me
could turn out to be....
To reality!

One night, the moon said to me, 'If he makes you cry, why don't you leave him?' I looked at the moon and said, 'Moon, would you ever leave your sky?'

Each time I miss you, a star falls down from the sky. So, if you looked up at the sky and found it dark with no stars, it is all your fault. You made me miss you too much!

bintang itu cuma satu... part II

Ditahun 2001-2002, ada hari-hari dimana gue suka jalan kaki dimalam hari...

Sebelum keluar rumah ada dua hal yang harus gue perhatikan dengan baik dan benar,

Yang pertama gue harus memperhatikan kostum. Pantang hukumnya memakai baju putih, atau jaket yang terlalu besar. Gue mengantisipasi kejadian dimana orang akan menyangka dirinya bertemu hantu atau atau bertemu hansip, terutama jika dilengkapi atribut senter, sarung dan topi kupluk. Sama juga dengan alas kaki. Gue dengan perhitungan seksama tidak memilih high-heels atau sepatu boots untuk berjalan kaki dimalam hari. High heels akan menyulitkan gue berlari jika gue, sialnya, ketemu hantu beneran. Dan sepatu boots akan menimbulkan suara langkah kaki yang sama dengan langkah kaki satpam komplek rumah gue. Oh iya, demikian halnya dengan daster. Itu juga nggak boleh. Bisa masuk angin. Dari mana? Tentunya dari bagian yang paling terbuka dibagian bawah. Apalagi jika tiba-tiba angin keras bertiup. Tidak bisa menampilkan kesan kuat bagai Marlyn Monroe, melainkan rasa malu yang tidak berkesudahan. Maka dengan bijaksana gue memilih kaos warna-warna terang, celana pendek berkantong dan sendal jepit. Demikianlah analisa gue. Ahh...gue merasa pintar.

Alasan kenapa gue memakai celana pendek berkantong adalah hal yang harus diperhatikan nomer dua sebelum gue jalan kaki malam-malam. Kantong-kantong ini sangat penting. Gue memillih beberapa benda yang selalu gue masukkan kedalam kantong.

Pertama, adalah uang secukupnya. Tidak perlu segepok atau satu celengan ayam dikeluarin semua. Beberapa uang ribuan sudah cukup. Jalan kaki dimalam hari adalah saat-saat pertemuan gue dengan abang-abang. Abang tukang nasi goreng, tukang sekuteng, bakwan malang dan tukang somay. Kalo gue bawa duit rada banyakan gue jajan yang mahalan. Kalo ternyata duitnya kurang, gue tawar mati-matian dengan mempertaruhkan nama baik nyokap gue dikomplek ini. Ahh... senangnya berbagi..

Kedua, adalah kunci rumah. Ingat, jika kita memutuskan untuk keluar rumah, maka harus bisa masuk lagi. Jangan mau dinyamukin semaleman. Please deh...

Ketiga, adalah henpon. Nyokap suka riweh dengan aktivitas gue jalan kaki malem-malem. Biasanya ada kalimat-kalimat seperti ini yang gue dengar.. "Ngapain sih keluar malem-malem....mau jadi apa, hah..?! kalo ketemu orang jahat gimana?" Ketika henpon gue berbunyi, berharap mereka khawatir gue nggak pulang-pulang tapi ternyata nyokap atau kakak gue nyuruh sekalian beliin nasi goreng. (-__-") 

Sorry ya, ma. Gue nggak bisa jelasin sama mama alasan kenapa gue suka jalan kaki malem-malem. Gue cuma mau lihat bintang... Gue cuma pengen yakin kalo bintang gue masih ada diatas sana.

Regards, 

Kezia Mamoto

The Right Way

Once again, I want to meet you. Standing in front of you. Just simply shake your hands and be aquainted with you. The right way.

The day when I'll be seeing you. Wouldn't be a second chance or reunion of the lost ones. Not deceive fact, believing it will be our first meeting that we never had yesterday, just the day and tomorrow. The right way.

The day when I'll be seeing you. Wouldn't intent to re-connect interrupted conversation, or the delayed one. Not as well as to satisfy the yearning. Just talking to you. The right way.

The day I'll be seeing you. In the morning when you'd wake up. When we would hear the cock crowed. And the sun dimmed behind the window. There won't be a slight of memory or history. Just one bright morning ahead of us. The right way.

Only once again, I want to meet you. When two people stand one on one. Starting a story. That has never existed. The right way.

*Dimensi, on May 2010

Kezia Mamoto