(still) miss you... part III

There's nothing sadder than pouring your heart to someone who doesn't give a damn about you. Sometimes the less you want someone, the more you want them. Even when they try to let you down easily, you find yourself still obsess about them. Is it normal to feel this way?

 
Dear brain, sorry for overloading you of the thought of him
Dear pillow, sorry for the tears
Dear heart, sorry for the damage

It's nice to see you again, I knew you'd
be back. Along with those damn butterflies
you always give me every time you walk into my life.

Sometimes the best memories are sad

Because you know they will never gonna happen again

....can't stop thinking how good it used to be.

Seems I rehearse my mind,
so many times...
How you and me
could turn out to be....
To reality!

One night, the moon said to me, 'If he makes you cry, why don't you leave him?' I looked at the moon and said, 'Moon, would you ever leave your sky?'

Each time I miss you, a star falls down from the sky. So, if you looked up at the sky and found it dark with no stars, it is all your fault. You made me miss you too much!

bintang itu cuma satu... part II

Ditahun 2001-2002, ada hari-hari dimana gue suka jalan kaki dimalam hari...

Sebelum keluar rumah ada dua hal yang harus gue perhatikan dengan baik dan benar,

Yang pertama gue harus memperhatikan kostum. Pantang hukumnya memakai baju putih, atau jaket yang terlalu besar. Gue mengantisipasi kejadian dimana orang akan menyangka dirinya bertemu hantu atau atau bertemu hansip, terutama jika dilengkapi atribut senter, sarung dan topi kupluk. Sama juga dengan alas kaki. Gue dengan perhitungan seksama tidak memilih high-heels atau sepatu boots untuk berjalan kaki dimalam hari. High heels akan menyulitkan gue berlari jika gue, sialnya, ketemu hantu beneran. Dan sepatu boots akan menimbulkan suara langkah kaki yang sama dengan langkah kaki satpam komplek rumah gue. Oh iya, demikian halnya dengan daster. Itu juga nggak boleh. Bisa masuk angin. Dari mana? Tentunya dari bagian yang paling terbuka dibagian bawah. Apalagi jika tiba-tiba angin keras bertiup. Tidak bisa menampilkan kesan kuat bagai Marlyn Monroe, melainkan rasa malu yang tidak berkesudahan. Maka dengan bijaksana gue memilih kaos warna-warna terang, celana pendek berkantong dan sendal jepit. Demikianlah analisa gue. Ahh...gue merasa pintar.

Alasan kenapa gue memakai celana pendek berkantong adalah hal yang harus diperhatikan nomer dua sebelum gue jalan kaki malam-malam. Kantong-kantong ini sangat penting. Gue memillih beberapa benda yang selalu gue masukkan kedalam kantong.

Pertama, adalah uang secukupnya. Tidak perlu segepok atau satu celengan ayam dikeluarin semua. Beberapa uang ribuan sudah cukup. Jalan kaki dimalam hari adalah saat-saat pertemuan gue dengan abang-abang. Abang tukang nasi goreng, tukang sekuteng, bakwan malang dan tukang somay. Kalo gue bawa duit rada banyakan gue jajan yang mahalan. Kalo ternyata duitnya kurang, gue tawar mati-matian dengan mempertaruhkan nama baik nyokap gue dikomplek ini. Ahh... senangnya berbagi..

Kedua, adalah kunci rumah. Ingat, jika kita memutuskan untuk keluar rumah, maka harus bisa masuk lagi. Jangan mau dinyamukin semaleman. Please deh...

Ketiga, adalah henpon. Nyokap suka riweh dengan aktivitas gue jalan kaki malem-malem. Biasanya ada kalimat-kalimat seperti ini yang gue dengar.. "Ngapain sih keluar malem-malem....mau jadi apa, hah..?! kalo ketemu orang jahat gimana?" Ketika henpon gue berbunyi, berharap mereka khawatir gue nggak pulang-pulang tapi ternyata nyokap atau kakak gue nyuruh sekalian beliin nasi goreng. (-__-") 

Sorry ya, ma. Gue nggak bisa jelasin sama mama alasan kenapa gue suka jalan kaki malem-malem. Gue cuma mau lihat bintang... Gue cuma pengen yakin kalo bintang gue masih ada diatas sana.

Regards, 

Kezia Mamoto

The Right Way

Once again, I want to meet you. Standing in front of you. Just simply shake your hands and be aquainted with you. The right way.

The day when I'll be seeing you. Wouldn't be a second chance or reunion of the lost ones. Not deceive fact, believing it will be our first meeting that we never had yesterday, just the day and tomorrow. The right way.

The day when I'll be seeing you. Wouldn't intent to re-connect interrupted conversation, or the delayed one. Not as well as to satisfy the yearning. Just talking to you. The right way.

The day I'll be seeing you. In the morning when you'd wake up. When we would hear the cock crowed. And the sun dimmed behind the window. There won't be a slight of memory or history. Just one bright morning ahead of us. The right way.

Only once again, I want to meet you. When two people stand one on one. Starting a story. That has never existed. The right way.

*Dimensi, on May 2010

Kezia Mamoto

I'm F.I.N.E

How are you? Are you ok? 

Sure! I'm fine. Really. There nothing's the matter with me. Nothing. I'm good. Everything is fine. Everything is good. No worries. You think I'm crying? No, no. I just have something in my eyes. It'll be out in a minute. I'm fine, you know. Just stop asking, k?! No, no. I'm not lying. I'm fine. I'm good. Stop asking.

Sorry, what did you say? I wasn't pay attention. Oh, no no.. I'm fine. A little out for awhile but I'm fine. Well, you seemed so over-talk so I just need a time to absorbed everything you've said. But I'm fine now. Nothing's wrong, k?! I thought we already finish with that. Do I make myself clear, It's fine. I'm fine. See?

I'm not myself? I'm fine. It's nothing! Seriously, stop interrogating. You just make it worse. Stop it. I'm fine. I'm not making excuses. I'm trying to explain. Don't you just believe me? I'm fine! Why don't you ever listen? See, you're not listening. I'm telling the truth. Why should I talk to you? You just refuse to trust me. I'm fine. Stop asking and leave me alone. Shut up, will you?!

Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. I was just so frustrated trying to explain it to you. Now, just stop asking. I'm fine. I'm good. Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine. Everything is good. Perfect. Life is great. I promise. There's nothing to tell. Let it go, would you? Drop it.

Let's talk about something else. I'm sorry, It's fine, fine. I'm fine. I don't care. I promise. But its not important. What about you, How are you? Are you ok?

...

Don't you ever tired of people asking "how are you?" or "what's wrong with you?" and the well-manner would be an answer like this, "I'm fine"?

Fine.

Well-said but I, personally detest it. Given the following scenario above, tell me a reason why the word "fine" does any good? Encountering that word frustrates me, or I don't know, maybe some people too. I'm not saying that all people are practically lying when they said, "I'm fine" or "Its fine". I just happen to find that people muttering that word to build a significant, impenetrable wall. A wall that say, I wanna shut you out! You know, just a 'leave me alone' part and being just 'okay' with those dark places behind the wall.

I think not-being-able to-talk-about-it, is one of the reasons why people say 'fine'. You know, we don't trust a person enough to tell the truth, share the real events and emotions. Or a person who asked is a person they barely knew, as a who-don't-really-know-me kinda person. The other reason would be, you know, you want to seem tough so people don't have to worry about you, until things are really really fine and you get it altogether. Sometimes, its not really comfortable to explore that word, avoid further questions. Its frustrating and scary when you start talking about it and turn out they're still don't understand. So eventually, we settled down into the feeling of what so-called 'fine'.

It bugs me so much that the word  fine , most of the times, is so wrong and non-descriptive. Do you feel the same way when you say and hear the word fine?

QUESTION: Sometimes I tell people "I'm fine" and they don't believe me. Why not? ANSWER: Approximately 20% of your ability to communicate is verbal, leaving about 80% as non-verbal. Non-verbal communication includes tone of voice as well as facial and body signals. When our verbal and non-verbal signals do not match, most people will respond to the non-verbal.

2002 Russell P. Friedman, John W. James and The Grief Recovery Institute

As a teacher, I hear this simple kind of conversation every day with my students, or more time in one day that you could possibly thought.

How are you today?

I'm fine. Thank you.

It's like a default setting. And I hate myself every time I asked that question and hear the same answer over and over again. I'm guilty of it. The thing that we called 'virtue ethic' and don't give a rat-ass how are you.

John Bridger: How are you?
Charlie Croker: [shrugging] I'm fine.
John Bridger: Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you?
Charlie Croker: Unfortnately, yeah.
John Bridger: Freaked out...
Charlie Croker: Insecure...
John Bridger: Neurotic...
Charlie Croker: And Emotional.

-The Italian Job

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

uuhh...what's your name again?

Ni yee.. hari ini gue mau nge-blog tentang satu lagi kejadian yang ganggu banget seharian. Well, since my mind already disturbed anyway, so just go along with it...

Sabtu pagi yang harusnya jatah gue molor sampe siang terpaksa pupus. Gue dibangunin sama temen gue lewat misscall jam 5.30 teng!, gue hampir emosi denger ringtone gue sendiri. Kita harus ikutan training teacher masal. Eniwei, akhirnya gue dan temen-temen gue jalan tuh ke kantor pusat dengan wajah-wajah merindukan bantal.

Nyampe disana, kita duduk manis dikursi masing-masing. Didepan gue udah berdiri seorang wanita berkebangsaan Filipina yang berpostur tegap dan berwibawa. Dari penampilannya keliatan ni orang pinter dengan kacamata bingkai tebal keren, make-upnya rapi dan rambut digulung ketat keatas. Gue takjub. Secara gue dateng cuma pake celana jeans, kaos, rambut belom dikeramas dan sendal seadanya yang gue temuin dimobil gue. Kacamata pink gue malah bikin tambah ciut. Gue nggak sanggup deket-deket sama ni orang, kebanting abis.

Sampai dia mulai ngomong, gue masih takjub. Pronunciationnya rapi, kalimatnya tegas dan jelas, sampai gue nggak sadar ngeliatin mulutnya terus, ekspresi gue bagai orang tuli yang cuma bisa baca bahasa bibir sambil melongo dongo. Amazingly, she can open her mouth very wide! dan dia bisa ngucapin phonics blend '-sh, sh-' tanpa ada yang muncrat dari mulutnya. Keren.

Kemudian tibalah saat dia memperkenalkan diri. Dia bilang, dengan tutur kata yang sopan dan berwibawa, "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cinderella." Mulut gue langsung ngatup. Hap! Ngedrop!

Moment inilah yang bikin telinga gue terus-terusan mendengungkan nama itu. Cinderella. I mean, of all thousands of names, her parents chose that word to became her name. Fascinating! And that one, is very unique and rare. Cinderella. Sekali lagi ah... Cinderella. Lagi... Cinderella. Rasanya gimanaaaa gitu dilidah... Cinderella!

Setelah dia memperkenalkan diri, dia menambahkan begini, "I'm not really comfortable of people calling me Cinderella, so they usually call me Cindy. I'm not the Cinderella from the story book cause I'm not wearing a glass slipper, I just wearing black shoes" sambil nunjukin stiletto nya sama kita. Ahhh.... sekarang lebih masuk akal.

Soal pemilihan nama ini, kadang gue pengen nanya sama para orang tua. "What were you thinking?"

Gue tau dibalik semua nama pasti ada storynya. But besides all that stories, we, who are named, must carry that word to represent ourself forever, up until it craved in our gravestone. My goodness...

Tinggal di Indonesia rada susah mengimpor nama-nama barat. Output nya nggak seperti yang dibayangin. Dulu gue pernah punya temen SMP. Namanya Angela. Begitu diabsen sama guru, dia mengucapkan nama itu dengan empat suku kata. A-ng-e-la. Ada lagi temen gue bernama Rachel. Disekolah namanya berubah jadi Rahel. So sad. Nah, buat penyandang nama-nama impor, seberapa bangga lo sama nama lo sendiri ketika outputnya nggak seperti yang diharapkan?

Waktu SMP gue punya satu guru orang batak. Dia selalu mengganti Z dengan J. Nama gue resmi jadi Kejia. Ada juga yang nggak bisa bilang Z, nama gue jadi Kesia. *sambil mengenang kisah sedih itu... Gue nggak mau mengulang sejarah itu, makanya gue milih nama yang simple buat anak gue. Noah Putra. Noah babenya yang ngasih. Putra gue ambil dari salah satu nama tokoh dinovel gue.

Salah satu temen gue secara ekstrim memilih sebuah nama buat anaknya, Phoebe. *baca fibi. Gue nggak bisa bayangin dia sekolah di SD negeri dan gurunya orang batak. Begitu pegang absen langsung kesulitan manggil nama anak itu. Secara (sok) bijak gue nasehati temen gue itu sampai akhirnya dia mengubah pikirannya, banting stir dari Phoebe jadi Diajeng Sekar Ayu Ningtyas. Frustrasi kali.

Nah, buat yang orang tuanya terlalu kreatif kaya si Cinderella ini. Jangan salahin orang tua. Mereka punya harapan suatu hari dia bisa naik kereta labu atau dibuatin baju sama tikus-tikus Atau seperti kasusnya Krisdayanti yang ngasih nama anaknya Titania. Dia mungkin punya harapan suatu hari anaknya dipeluk diujung kapal sama cowok bernama Jack sambil main angin-anginan dengan backsound lagunya Celine Dion. Ada satu temen gue yang bercita-cita ngasih nama anaknya, Gina. Dalam hati gue memuji, bagus...bagus. Kemudian dia melanjutkan, "kepanjangannya Vagina Itilia". Dalam hati gue mengutuk, kunyuk...kunyuk.

Soal pemilihan nama, gue kasih salute sama tante gue. Dia pernah cerita sama gue waktu milih nama anaknya. "I chose this name and I consider how to spell and pronounce not only in English but also in bahasa, I was thinking if I write Joceline, in bahasa they will call her Jo-ce-lin, not Joslin. So I decide to spell it Joslyn instead." Sangat bijaksana!

Buat yang punya nama universal seperti Andy, Benny, *either with i or y, tenang aja. Lo aman. Well, klo di Indonesia, nama Budi masih masuk urutan favorite. Kepanjangannya bisa Budiman atau Budianto atau Budiono. Lo juga aman. Guru-guru disekolahpun senang menyebut nama lo dan juga ibu bapak lo. Tapi bayangin kalo lo salah satu objek penderita yang menyandang sebuah nama unik, seperti si Cinderella.

Bayangin skenario singkat ini....

A: hey...cewek... kenalan donk..

B : boleh

A : nama lo siapa?

B : Cinderella

A : oohh.. hah? siapa?

Mendadak budek.

Menurut gue, perlu keberanian untuk menyandang nama-nama unik. Gue yakin sebelum si Cinderella menyingkat namanya jadi Cindy, pasti sempat mengalami masa-masa kelabu dijaman SD atau TK nya waktu dia bilang, "my name is Cinderella". Contoh di Indonesia, Seno Gumira yang sangat nyeni itu ngasih nama anaknya Timur Angin. Melly Goeslow ngasih nama anaknya Lelaki Bernama Hoed. Need loads of courage to look in the eye and say your name out loud. Si Budi belom tentu punya nyali kaya gini. Bravo!

Regards,

Ke-Zi-a Ma-mo-to

Life, please be gentle

I wish you could see my vision in a better view, so you could see things the way I see. Sometimes words in not enough to share it all. Sometimes words can do more than what I meant to from where I began. 

I wish I could share you my thoughts in a better way, but I never expect you to feel the way I feel it. Not my problems. No. I think people has enough problems on their life that they have no-more time for others problems. I don't think they're being selfish, they're being human.

I spend my days walking around, sit on a chair and see people and wonder, what kind of life that these people are living. They were laughing on jokes, not knowing what was behind those jokes. People holding hands one day and the other day they can not look in the eye anymore. It's more complex than what appears in the outside. Nobody understands one to another.

The voices inside my head can not stop talking, these eyes can not stop seeing series of what life could have been on the term of 'what if?', and these ears can not stop sounding different songs that supposed to be a back-sounds of this kind of life I'm living. It's like standing in the middle of the crowd but I was never there. The only thing that seems always be with me is my thought. Maybe that's why it's important to share my thought in the end.

Up until this day I survive living this life. Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok. I wish, for God's sake, I wish I could understand that this life is worth living. I wish I would know why things still not make sense in the morning after. Life can't be this sucks, can it? A 'delete' button, like in a computer, will not solve, it will mess out the order instead. Crying, swearing, laughing, or even jumping from the 13rd floor will do nothing too. Then, I just wish. Wish that life will not so mean. Not being able to understanding life brings a thousand thought per minute. Then I wish for a peace of mind to rest and sleep off.

God knows what He's doing, right? So I wish....I wish. Life, please be gentle.

never take life seriously, no one gets out alive anyways. -Jonny

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

A (not) Hero To Zero

All the way home, while I was driving my car, I couldn't get this one phrase out of my mind.  I didn't know how this phrase slipped inside my mind but it bothered me a lot. So I decided to write it down. "a hero to zero".

Not everyone has what it takes to be a true hero, and perhaps that is why society often labels people heroes who are not really heroes at all.

If a hero means someone who we can look up to based on their value action and if bravery, act of courage and sacrifice are their qualities, then let's go to Spiderman, Hercules and Superman. Are they exist in the real world? I don't think so. That's the masterpiece of Stan Lee, my friend. Well, except Hercules, I mean. He's ancient history.

I, personally, think, heroism is more about collective admiration of particular individual selected by society. But as a person in (my) psychological perspective, people set the figure of hero in the state of human perfection, they apparently have analyzed in mind when deciding upon whom to idolize. That's why I heard people said, "he might be not a hero to you, but he's a hero to me". In some deeper level means that 'your world' is save.

Again, personally I'm a little bit skeptical about the hero concept. As far as I can see, it refers to perfection, daydreaming and personal expectation about a person who is expected to behave in particular way. And since we're living in imperfect world, truth is, just like Ted Leo and The Pharmacist sang, Even heroes have to die. No one lives forever, love. Most of the time, heroes fall. A hero goes to zero.

You see, zero indicated the absence of any or all units. By all means, zero is nothing. Big O. A hero to zero. From something to nothing. From someone to no-one. Ironic. I read many articles about this sudden fall. Worldwide reviews about a football player, soccer team, a priest, etc.

And some of the reviews was personal experience, heartbreak stories of people who devastated enough to feel betrayed by their hero. A departure of family members, an abandonment of lovers and betrayed by friends. All expressed in a depression poems, an angry story and sad quotes. I believe they know that 'their world' isn't save anymore.

...

Once I met this one person, who became a hero to several people. It has been said according to his kindness, good behaviors and attitude. No great achievement or goal, just ordinary people who some people believe has the qualities to be a hero. But for me, I once known him as a man who always been there for me. He was my person, my someone.

He helped me fixing our roof, which I couldn't do it by myself. He promised us a sunshine in a stormy weather, which was impossible but he tried the best way he could ever been. He hugged us when we cried, which felt much better than crying alone. He hold our hands and walked side-by-side with us. He promised to do whatever it takes to be responsible for things that matters to him. He was brave enough to take some risks when it comes to decide what was important in our life. He had sacrifice for us. And most of the time, he was there when the world seemed cruel and unkind, saved us from the loneliness. Somehow we believed that this is the hero in our little world.

Once a reality stroke, a hero slipped away. We had it together so far and there's no more, without telling us what went wrong. Dragged down a picture on the wall, packed a bag and walked away. Left a life and didn't look back. Days gone by, and months after the grieving-part felt. From loving to missing and the hating-part comes next....permanent. I gotta picked up the pieces since the hero gone, back to square with what he left behind. What's the good comes from that? Zero. How to get over a zero when zero already means nothing? Sorry that I had to put a 'F...CK' word in your face, love.

A hero to zero, it's like we losing you... and for us, maybe you never were a hero on the first place. Nothing more. Just zero.

 

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

Hush Little Boy

Hush little boy, just go out and play
Forget the weekend your daddy promised to come by.
Hush little boy, don't cry.
Maybe he'll return your call later on as he promised you anyway.
Hush little boy, rest from asking why daddy didn't stay.
Not a single hug and a goodbye.
He is now a man free to roam, coming home wasn't the one he worried.

I know...

You didn't ask to be brought here, you didn't ask any of this.

You were created between my love and his.

Yet, somehow, it's just you and me, you see.

Now, sit with me here and I'll always be there.

What do I tell you once you grow?

That all daddy's promises were about being a hero.

Doing special things with his life.

As I know one day, I have to make up stupid little lies.

Hope it may give your little broken heart some peace.

Hope that you don't hate, nor care, that the love you need never really there.

I'm sorry that the world is not rainbow.

The colors aren't green, red, blue and yellow.

I'm sorry that black and grays added a sorrow.

But I promise that the skies will not cloudy all day.

That the rain will too makes your day.

Now, hush little boy
Go back to sleep and I'll sing you a lullaby. 
Even the little T-Rex toys which one brought joy,
And a car puzzle that never done stands as yesterday.
We'll do it another day.
No need to watch through a keyhole of a life worth fighting for.
Daddy's promise is to come back as before.
One day maybe we'll see daddy's walking through that door.

p.s. Its not the same without you....please come home.

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

(still) miss you... part II

Dear you...

 

There are times wish that I could wake up and all this could be a dream but all I can do is scream.

There are moments in life when I just want to pick you up from my dreams and hug you for real.

Technically,  it is impossible for me to miss you since all you did was over-pass my life.

There are 6.7 billion people in the world, then why do I miss you alone?

And since you've been gone...

There are times my hands and my phone are inseparable.

There are moments that I have constant needs to check it every time it rings.

Do I have a missed call or a text from you?

But there are moments that I found myself disappointed again and again.

Yet, somehow...

Like the novel needs the words,

Like the star needs the sky,

Like the guitar needs the tune,

Like the nights needs the moon,

My world needs you.

Where is the one who brought me my 'sweet May'?

You know, I've never been good with a goodbye.

Missing you like this, ain't never right.

It ruins my nights when you don't say 'good night'.

p.s Thanks for texting me last night.

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

Why Would One Want To Leave

If you're in love with each other, why would one want to leave the other?

Based on its definition, in love means a deep, tender, ineffable of feeling solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities. At first, it involve a rush and excitement, a butterfly-in-my-stomach feeling happen. The chemical on your brain kick in and you feel an emotional high, exhilaration, passion, and elation when you and your lover are together. After that, what next?

People choose to be with the person they love, some of them put labels on it, called a relationship, married, or friends-with-benefit or just a friendship or whatever. Some people in love so quickly, some people needs more time to absorb the definition of being in love. After amount of time, they're together and the reason is because they're in love with each other. Declare that they're in love is part of the joyous of being in love.

Somehow, we believe that if you love someone, then you love him/her...period. When two people are in love they know a "perfect" little world and "forever" is the only word exist in the dictionary. A period time that seem have no-end, through eternity, through endless ages. Stay together with the one you love refers to a choice that you make, a decision to be with him/her and all that crap about a commitment. 

Love is a state of mind. It is a commitment you make to try to love that person, regardless of whether they are experiencing their high times or their low. Its as strong as steel, as reliable as the setting sun, and as deeply responsive as you choose to make it. It is special, a gift and a blessing. - Cathleen Wilder

Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world. White Knight and Shinning Armor stays in museums and we actually pay to see that figure. With all that said, relationships ends. Divorce and break-ups happens. 

It is also their decision to be apart from each other. Insanely, I saw many people consciously decide to break-up with their lover. I don't know if it necessary to mention the reason why. Some people says love fades, or called it 'don't love the person anymore', which I don't get it. The only concept I, personally, know about it is that something might happened to it along the way. And then, why would you define 'forever' in your 'perfect' little world when one day you'd decide not to live in it anymore? What it mean of being in love in a first place if they choose to leave the other in the end? Maybe it wasn't love in a first place... 






Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

Home On The Range

Home On The Range originally wrote as a poem called "My Western Home" by Dr. Brewster. M. Higley in the early 1870 in Smith Country, Kansas, without intending it for an audience. 

A local man named Trube Reese found the poem while visiting Higley's cabin and convinced him to turn it into a song. Higley got fiddler Daniel .E. Kelley to help him set the poem to music. Higley's original words are similar to those of the song today but not identical. The song was picked up by settlers, cowboys, and others and spread across the nation in various forms. When Texas singer Vernon Dalhardt made the first commercial recording of the song, it was a hit, and several other singers recorded the tune over the yeas. President Franklin Roosevelt even declared it his favorite song in 1932. By 1935, "Home on the Range" was everywhere. Different version of this song was sing by many great singers such as Frank Sinatra, Gene Autry, Neil Young and also made its way to the nursery rhymes, sing by Noelle and John. Home On The Range is often used in a concert, plays and film. Mr. Blanding Builds His Dream House (1948), You Are Good Man, Charlie Brown (1967), Where The Buffalo Roam (1980).

People identified with the personalized versions the same way they felt attached to their own homesteads. Some of the modifications stuck, and changed the song forever. Truth is, the words, "home on the range" never appear in Higley's original lyrics.

Dr. Brewster Higley (1876)
Oh, give me a home where the Buffalo roam Where the deer and the antelope play; Where seldom is heard a discouraging word, And the sky is not cloudy all day. Chorus A home! A home! Where the Deer and the Antelope play, Where seldom is heard a discouraging word, And the sky is not clouded all day. Oh! give me a land where the bright diamond sand Throws its light from the glittering streams, Where glideth along the graceful white swan, Like the maid in her heavenly dreams. Chorus Oh! give me a gale of the Solomon vale, Where the life streams with buoyancy flow; On the banks of the Beaver, where seldom if ever, Any poisonous herbage doth grow. Chorus How often at night, when the heavens were bright, With the light of the twinkling stars Have I stood here amazed, and asked as I gazed, If their glory exceed that of ours. Chorus I love the wild flowers in this bright land of ours, I love the wild curlew's shrill scream; The bluffs and white rocks, and antelope flocks That graze on the mountains so green. Chorus The air is so pure and the breezes so fine, The zephyrs so balmy and light, That I would not exchange my home here to range Forever in azures so bright. Chorus

(still) miss you..

When the night has come
and the land is dark,
when the moon is the only light we'll see...
look at the stars;
can you count them?
I miss you that much.
-Author Unknown

One of these days I received an "I miss you" text and I also saw people update their facebook status and typed something about I miss you with an eklamation point. And I began to think, what it really means? What to yearn for and why? Sometimes having lots of people and good friends around you won't help much. You are grateful that they are there for you, to make you feel better. That's exactly the case when everything won't be enough. There are those days when you miss someone more than you are used to. Somehow you feel things goes wrong. And those people around you won't be able to stop this anxiousness and desperation because they're not the reason for this. Something is just plain incomplete.

People come and go in our life. Sometimes they disappear like a sudden whoosh and the other time slower and in painful manner kind of way. Disappear in other words, the absence of a person whom no longer we have access to. Whether in physical basis or just a thought that lead to incomplete feeling. There might be something there.

Sometimes it's more than just a thought. All you need is just to look them in the eye, hear their voice, lean on them and feel that they are there. But sometimes it's impossible. In the other way, you might miss someone even you just see each other few hours ago or just finished talk over the phone. Missing someone is never about how long it has been since you have seen them last. It also isn’t related to the amount of time you spent with them lately. Somehow it is about this very moment. Right here and right now, when you are doing something and wish that they were right there with you. But they are not.

The people missed are those that have at one way or another successfully imprinted their mark on a person. One who has filled up a space hearts and mind which no-one can replace. Once that person leaves that space, there’s a void spot that creates a feeling of emptiness. Missing is truly about 'me' and not them because unless told, they have no idea the mark they have left. To feel this, a certain kind of attachment or connection must have been made, which disrupts the routine of an individual when removed from the picture.

Missing someone is about a certain needs of an attatchment, a drive to satisfaction of pleasure and the loss caused by separation. That led to "attatchment theory" in developmental psychology (John Bowlby and  Mary Ainsworth), means the tendency to seek closeness to another person and feel secure when that person is present. The concept of attachment refering to a continous tie to a specific person. According to psychoanalysis, Freud on clinical level clearly recognises that "missing someone who is loved and longed for...(is)...the key to an understanding of anxiety" (Freud, 1926. p 136-137). Once attachment to a caretaker occurs, then separation anxiety ("missing someone") can develop. Separation anxiety appears when the subject experiences separation as a more or less irreversible object-loss.

Some people like the drama of missing someone, it's like being in a romantic and melancholy occasion. It gives a feeling of being human, that they posses emotion by not being cold and detached from the world. The drama itself includes the sadness, dwell on the empty space and refusing to move on. And sometimes saying "I miss you", in a deep clear statement, isn't enough because you drown in a pain that hurt too much.

People said, there's a good remedy called distraction. It happen when your mind and heart learns to fill-up the empty space. By finding a replacement, it can be another person or new hobby. But for me, personally, it's like having a glass that is not half-empty, it's always half-full when the missing-part is felt.

One of these days the world seems to be in the darkness over many sleepless nights. One of these days I want to cry but I can't and a heart is a form of death. One of these days the thought of you has become a toxin in my brain, swelling from tremendeous pain. One of these days I want to be in your arms and never let go. And one of these days I realise that I still miss you so much and wish that you miss me too.

Regards,

Kezia mamoto

SAD or just sad?

Mendung tak berarti hujan, hujan tak berarti curhat. Kalimat ini gue pilih untuk mewakili bulan Oktober ini. I don't know why I see many sad stories this month. Dibulan Juni kemarin gue pernah nge-tweet tentang banyaknya kisah patah hati yang mendadak beranak pinak selama sebulan itu. In this October, not only heartbreak stories, but the stories just plain sad and a person who tells the story also sad. Fiuuhh... Belakangan hujannya sendiri kayak lagi curhat dan rada posesif. Sekalinya turun nggak mau berhenti.

Gue menjumpai kejadian patah hati seorang teman dibulan ini. Ceritanya pada suatu malam dia ditinggal sama ceweknya. Malam itu hujan dan karena hujan dia nggak bisa ngejar ceweknya. Waktu curhat, ada penambahan efek dramatis dari cerita yang sebenernya. "pas ujan-ujan gini dia main pergi gitu aja...." pause. "gue nggak bisa mencegah dia pergi, gue juga nggak maksa dia tinggal..." pause. "waktu dia pergi, gue cuma bisa mendangin dia dari belakang..." pause. "pait banget, chie...pait!" begitulah teman gue menggambarkan kesedihannya dengan tiga kali pause. Belakangan gue baru tau kalo waktu itu dia jalan kaki sementara ceweknya naik mobil. Mengingat kejadian itu, sampai hari ini dia masih sedih. Oohh...

Gue juga menjumpai sebuah kisah sedih lainnya dikala hujan. Ceritanya waktu itu hujan deras, gue dan temen gue menunggu jam pulang kantor, kita berdua nongkrong diteras sambil ngobrol santai. Kemudian dia ngerokok dan gue ngutak-ngutik henpon. Tiba-tiba dia menghela nafas dalam-dalam abis itu dia nangis. Let me tell u, this is a very awkward situation and u wish there's a fire escape behind u. Gue yang ada disebelahnya mendadak panik. Salah apa gue?? Menurut pengakuannya, dia tiba-tiba aja ngerasa kesepian, kangen sama seseorang de el el dan itu sama sekali nggak ada hubungannya sama gue. Hati gue pun terbagi antara empati dan rasa pengen nonjok karena udah bikin panik diawal.

Bukan cuma temen-temen gue yang sedih. Selama musim hujan ini banyak orang yang menjadi murung, nggak semangat dan moodnya berubah-ubah. Gloomy, gampang marah dan emosional atau bahkan tiba-tiba nangis. Sama seperti langit yang tiba-tiba gelap dan tiba-tiba panas. Saya sarankan langit pergi ke psikiater karena kelihatannya ia mengidap bipolar disorder. Well, I think everyone feels down, blue and sad sometimes. Its a common feeling. In this time of year, I don't know what happen with people. Are they really just sad or are they suffering SAD?

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) adalah sejenis depresi yang mengikuti pola musiman. Beberapa orang mengalami mood-swing yang serius seiring perubahan musim sepanjang tahun. Dinegara 4 musim SAD terjadi pada musim dingin. Kalo di Indonesia pada musim hujan. Symptom yang menyertai SAD adalah Males bangun dari tempat tidur, Morning Sickness (yang ini nggak ada hubungannya sama kehamilan!), Berlebihan makan yang berujung kelebihan berat badan terutama soal mengkonsumsi karbohidrat, Tidur terus, Merasa lambat dalam aktifitas fisik dan mental, Penurunan tingkat konsentrasi, Meningkatnya sensitifitas atas perubahan sosial, yang semua itu berujung pada depresi dan kecemasan. DSM-IV memasukkan SAD kedalam kategori depresi klinis.

Bagi penderita SAD, hormon melatonin diduga sebagai pelakunya. Sinar matahari yang lebih sedikit menyebabkan penurunan tingkat hormon melatonin yang menyebabkan tidur dan rasa lelah menjadi berlebihan. Dr Angelos Halaris yang merupakan psikiater sekaligus pengamat behavior dari Lyola University Health System menyebutkan bahwa genetika dan gender menjadi faktor terjadinya SAD dimana wanita lebih terkena pengaruhnya ketimbang pria dalam 10 tahun terakhir ini. Tapi bukan berarti pria kebal SAD, ada yang memperkirakan 5 dari 12 orang pria akan mengalami depresi klinis dalam satu masa hidupnya. Untuk bagian genetika, biasanya memang ada sejarah SAD dalam medical recordnya.

Perlu evaluasi medis lebih lanjut untuk menentukan diagnosa bahwa seseorang menderita SAD atau tidak karena ini akan berhubungan dengan terapi yang termasuk light therapy, cognitive-behavior therapy, obat-obat anti-depressant dan suplementasi hormon melatonin dan juga menentukan tingkat keparahan SAD yang dideritanya.

People feels down in this time of year caused by many factors. Either they're just sad or suffering SAD. If you see one rain cloud in the sky and it's raining on you, don't be surprise. Another set of life brings you to this point.

(dari berbagai sumber)

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

Moonbow

In a fairy tales books we often see unicorns, fairies, magic dust, and also a moonbow. Fairies and magic dust may not exist and unicorns may found rarely. And as unicorns, a moonbow is uncommon but real true.  Aristotle, Ben Franklin, and John Muir wrote about moonbow, and they do, in fact, exist, not just in the pages of dusty old books but out in the real world. If you have been lucky enough to see one you know how very real they are. Not to be shown up by daytimes rainbow, the moonbow is just one more of darkness's beauties.

“The rainbow occurs by day, and it was formerly thought that it never appeared by night as a moon rainbow. This opinion was due to the rarity of the phenomenon: it was not observed, for though it does happen, it does so rarely… The colors are not easy to see in the dark… The moon rainbow appears white…” — Aristotle, Meteorologica, circa 340 B.C.

Moonbow or lunar rainbow is a rainbow produced by light reflected off the surface of the moon, which is happen at night. Human eyes can’t discern the different colors in the darkness so it often appears to be white. The colors of a moonbow appear on a long exposure photograph.

Apparently moonbows are sometimes elusive, the conditions have to be just right to see them. Moonbows are most easily viewed when the moon is near to full. There is a place where the appearance of moonbows is fairly common, in the waterfalls. The two most popular are Cumberland Falls and Yosemite Falls. For those produced by waterfalls, the moon must be low in the sky, lower than 42 degrees, and the sky must be dark. And of course there must be rain falling opposite the moon. This combination of requirements makes moonbows much more rare than rainbows produced by the sun. The mist from the waterfalls has the same effect on the moon that rain has on the sun. If there is moisture opposite the moon, a moonbow is created.

Now, you don't necessarily have to be near a waterfall to see a moonbow. A good rain or a misty night will do too. If after a good rain in the dark night and the moon is full and bright, go outside. Maybe if, just maybe, you’re lucky enough, you can witness one of the most uncommon phenomenons of the nature. Seeing moonbows create a mist in its beauty in the dark sky and this is the nearest we can get to a fairy world.

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

Tentang Angka

Semesta dan angka. Angka bagian kecil dari semesta. Jelas, dimana-mana kita bisa melihat angka. Contohnya, tanggal, pada lembar uang atau koin logam, hasil perhitungan ilmu pasti (matematika), pada mikrolet, pada lembaran hasil ujian, dan macam-macam lainnya. Kita menyadari angka itu ada. Jelas, kalau tidak sadar, kita tidak akan tahu berapa uang yang harus dibayar untuk beli sebungkus rokok dan kalau tidak sadar, kita tidak akan bisa menyebut angka 1-10 sampai kapanpun. 

Angka juga menyatakan sesuatu. Contohnya, mikrolet nomer 37 itu jurusan kampung rambutan-bojong gede, bulan juni tanggal 27 tahun 2010 itu hari minggu, atau nilai raport dibawah angka 5 itu ditulis dengan pulpen warna merah. Jadi angka yang ada disekeliling semesta tempat hidup manusia ini, mengambil bagian sendiri dalam hidup manusia. 

Sebuah angka menjadi bermakna hanya jika manusia memutuskan untuk memaknainya menjadi sesuatu. Angka hanya sebuah symbol yang absolute jika dibiarkan, tapi tidak jika dimaknai. Semesta membiarkan angka apa adanya, yaitu untuk menyatakan sesuatu, manusia yang memutuskan untuk menghayati lebih dari itu. Manusia memutuskan untuk memaknai dan menghayati sebuah angka untuk berputar dalam satu kehidupan dan menciptakan sebuah drama. Drama dimana angka menjadi bagian penting dan manusia pelakonnya. Dengan berbagai cara angka menjadi bermakna, dengan berbagai cara angka menjadi alasan dan dengan berbagai pola angka bisa ditempatkan dimana-mana, membuat drama tetap hidup.

Persis seperti yang terjadi pada hari ini, yang jatuh pada tanggal 10-10-10. Didunia infotainment sibuk memberitakan rencana perkawinan Indra Bekti yang akan diadakan pada hari ini. Dia hanya salah satu dari sekian banyak orang yang memilih untuk menikah ditanggal yang hanya ada sekali dalam putaran semesta. Gue nggak kenal Indra Bekti, jadi gue nggak akan cerita tentang dia. Yang gue ceritain ini adalah salah satu teman gue yang sealiran dengan Indra Bekti dalam hal memilih tanggal perkawinan, tanggal 10-10-10. Dua tahun yang lalu teman gue ini sebenernya udah berencana menikah, beberapa kali dia menyebutkan pada tanggal berapakah dia akan menikah. Yang gue inget dia pernah nyebut tiga tanggal, 09-09-09, 08-09-10 dan 10-10-10. Dan yang kesampaian adalah yang terakhir kali dia sebut. Yup, dia bakal nikah hari ini, tanggal 10-10-10.

Banyak orang yang sibuk menentukan tanggal perkawinan dan menghayatinya sebagai hari baik. Sayang, semua hari baik adanya. Semua tanggal sama. Kalau ditanya, apa istimewanya tanggal itu? Secara estetika, komposisi angka yang berulang tiga kali itu kelihatan indah dipandang. Ditambah efek dramatis, tanggal itu dipilih untuk memaknai sebuah hari perkawinan, hari yang diyakini hanya terjadi sekali seumur hidup. Efek dramatis itu akan terulang berkali-kali ketika memori mereka memutar ulang penghayatan akan angka-angka itu. Ada satu kebanggaan dan kesenangan pribadi ketika menyebut tanggal itu.

Sayang, angka-angka itu nggak akan berarti ketika kamu melangkah masuk dalam kehidupan pernikahan yang sebenarnya. Ketika kamu berhadapan dengan benturan ego dengan pasanganmu, akankah kamu masih mengingat angka-angka itu? Beberapa tradisi kuno justru menyakini kebahagiaan pernikahan ditentukan oleh konsep hari baik. Mungkin lebih mudah menyalahkan hari dan tanggal daripada benturan ego dan karakter yang buruk ketika pernikahannya berantakan.

Ada lagi cerita tentang seorang temen yang masih berpacaran. Mereka menandai tanggal dikalender sebagai hari jadi. Mereka memaknai tanggal itu sebagai tanggal bersatunya cinta mereka. Kemudian kalender itu menjadi penuh dengan coret-coretan yang isinya, tanggal sekian aku pertama kali pergi berdua ke restoran itu, tanggal sekian aku dicium pertama kali di taman itu, tanggal sekian aku berantem gila-gilaan, tanggal sekian aku putus sama dia dirumahnya si anu. Begitu putus si wanita mulai menangis melihat coret-coretan dikalendernya. Sibuk mengenang tanggal-tanggal yang mengandung kenangan tertentu. Perasaannya jadi berubah-ubah ketika bangun pagi menyadari bahwa hari ini adalah tanggal yang sama dengan tanggal pertama kali mereka pacaran. 

Nggak jauh beda halnya yang terjadi pada si laki-laki. Pernah dia sengaja memutar mobil, mencari jalan lain, mengubah arah perjalanan hari itu hanya untuk tidak melewati tenpat tertentu ditanggal yang mengandung kenangan indah yang sudah berlalu itu. Menghubung-hubungkan tanggal yang satu dengan tanggal yang lain untuk alasan melankolis. Jadilah tanggal-tanggal itu digunakan sebagai alasan berubah-ubahnya mood, emosi, ekspresi bahkan irama kehidupan dalam satu hari.

Bagi mereka yang memasukan drama pada sebuah angka, maka angka itu akan berarti lebih dari yang semestinya. Angka dan fungsi absolutnya tidak akan menjadi drama tanpa campur tangan manusia. Manusia sendiri yang menentukan bentuk angka seperti apa yang akan menjadi bagian dari drama kehidupannya.  Dan manusia akan bermain dengan lingkaran angka dalam drama hidupnya. Bagi mereka tanggal 10-10-10 adalah deretan angka yang istimewa dan hari yang bahagia. Tapi bagi beberapa orang angka-angka itu hanyalah sebuah angka dan hari itu hanya sebuah hari yang sama dengan hari kemarin, yang tidak akan berarti setelah jam 12 malam. Nggak heran kalo sering tercetus, "loh...emang sekarang tanggal berapa? waah, sorry, gue lupa!"

Ini cuma pendapat gue loh. Hmm.. buat temen gue yang menikah hari ini, gue ucapin selamat menempuh hidup baru dan semoga bahagia. As life goes on, one life come to an end and another has just begun. So happy for you, guys.

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto