Love Is (not) A Lame Joke

Jen was in trouble. Her heart was trembling so fast and she couldn't stop moving in her room. She moved from her bed side to the window, constantly. She was thinking. Once she stopped at the window, looked at the sky outside her room. It was cloudy. Suddenly she couldn't hold the tears that been hanging on her eyes for quite some times. Tears were falling one by one down in her cheek when she was thinking about her beloved, James. One question has been jumping around her mind ever since, why love turned out such a big  lame joke?

...

She remembered the day they were in love. That their youth filled with laugh and joy. They were young and deep down they knew their love was true. She remembered the day James said, "it was my intention to marry you since the first time I saw you". James was her love of her life, and Jen also was a big part of James's life. They believed that they were meant to be with each other.

When the troubled hit Jen so hard, James was on her side, always. He never left her even for one second. She was a girl who had difficulties to show her emotion infront of others. She known as a sweet cherry and sassy girl back then. Until she met James. That boy brought her sensitive side and he convinced her, "it's okay to cry once in a while". So for the first time, she cried and she cried hard. It was James's shoulder that she used as a shield, it was his chest that she used to lean on. One day he promised her, "I would never walk away from you, no matter what"...

Why? Why? Why? she sounded that word rapidly in her mind and she brought it in her sleep, disturbed her from a peace of the night. James was no longer in her life. He was gone. And Jen had no idea why. Can somebody changed so much? What went wrong?

That night was an ordinary night. They were on the way to Jen's home from her relative's wedding. For a minute they shared jokes about how lame the food was. James was driving and Jen sit next to him. Jen has no idea that after one joke, it was the night James delivered the worst news she ever heard.

"Jen, I think this is it for us", James said. Jen confused. She turned her head and looked at his guy and she saw a cold as a stone kinda expression on James's face. His eyes was blank and suddenly she felt that there was a big thick wall within the empty space that astonished her. "what do you mean?" she asked. And James replied, "I'm not in love with you anymore". It was the day that she knew her world was falling apart.

...

For months, she struggles with loneliness. How to live herself without her loved one. She never heard anything from James again ever since. Whenever she cried he would always make her feel as if he would change the world if he could, so it wouldn't hurt her anymore. But now she's crying and he's not here. She convinces herself that maybe it happen for a reason, one she doesn't understand yet. Her sadness turns into anger, and her anger turns into desperation, until she tired enough. They said time heals wound. In some cases, the more time passes, the more it hurts.

...

Months later. 

Jen went to McDonald to had a lunch and she bumped into someone she knew, her high school mates named Jack. She knew Jack has a crush on her back then. But it doesn't matter now, Jen thought. Unfortunately she was wrong. It was more likely reinventing long lost love for Jack. And after that day, Jack pursue the girl he loves once again. Countless phone calls and text messages intensely sent to Jen. Without hesitation he began to build a certain connection with Jen. 

Jack asked Jen that did she know about the heart feeling. Jen smiled and said, "yes, it is love". Then Jack asked her, "do you fall in love ever with someone in this life?", she answered with a smile. "well, if I was so lucky, I found my love so early in high school and that girl is sitting infront of me now". She laughed. "yea, I thought so, if I'm not mistaken, there was a time I kinda liked you too, Jack". They laughed together. Time passes, Jack's love increases rapidly day by day.

As for Jen, she hasn't ready. In her mind she knows Jack was up to something more than a friend. She knows that she's not desperate enough to accept Jack's love. At one weekend, Jack pry up the previous topic. He couldn't bear distances between them anymore. She said, "why you take that dialogue seriously? I was joking, silly....I was laughing, remember?"

That was the first thing popped out from Jen's mind, she was trying to let him down easily. Jack felt that everywhere bombs were blasting in his heart. Right before he left, he said, "its funny, right? that sometimes I need what only you can provide, your absence". He went aloof.

...

A year has pass. Jen was writing on her journal when her phone rang. She had a text message. She shocked cause it was from James. "I'm outside your door. Please open". She marched to the door and found James standing in the porch. As they stand eye to eye on tryst.

He battered down the silence, "ah, you are here. I was looking so many days for this moment", he said.

"what happen?" Jen curious. She had no idea what he was talking about. He came to Jen and said that he was very please to see her. She replied that she was also glad to see him. He said, “but your face is saying something different.” She turned back and went apart. She was feeling some strange about that guy. His love had penetrated to her heart, but it was a long time ago. Now she doesn't understand at all, seems her face depict her emotion.

He made it clear when he said, "I think we need to sit down and talk. You see, we have so much more than I  ever thought we would, when there's a will, I want to be in it". As he gave her a warm hug, she froze.

Again, Jen is in trouble. She began to recall some memories, one harked back to James. For a year she learns how to accept the fact that maybe they were never meant to be together. Love taught her to expect less, nor at all. And she learns how to not fall in love again, with Jack. Just when she thought all the lessons learned, James's back. Unfortunately for Jen, she can not find her heart in its place. If love is a joke, why she couldn't laugh? She remember someone asked her if she knew James, a million memories flashed through her mind and she whispered, "not anymore".

...

My heart isn't a Disneyland where you can ride a roller coaster, my dear.

 Don't make her wait just because you know she would...

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto