bintang itu cuma satu... part II

Ditahun 2001-2002, ada hari-hari dimana gue suka jalan kaki dimalam hari...

Sebelum keluar rumah ada dua hal yang harus gue perhatikan dengan baik dan benar,

Yang pertama gue harus memperhatikan kostum. Pantang hukumnya memakai baju putih, atau jaket yang terlalu besar. Gue mengantisipasi kejadian dimana orang akan menyangka dirinya bertemu hantu atau atau bertemu hansip, terutama jika dilengkapi atribut senter, sarung dan topi kupluk. Sama juga dengan alas kaki. Gue dengan perhitungan seksama tidak memilih high-heels atau sepatu boots untuk berjalan kaki dimalam hari. High heels akan menyulitkan gue berlari jika gue, sialnya, ketemu hantu beneran. Dan sepatu boots akan menimbulkan suara langkah kaki yang sama dengan langkah kaki satpam komplek rumah gue. Oh iya, demikian halnya dengan daster. Itu juga nggak boleh. Bisa masuk angin. Dari mana? Tentunya dari bagian yang paling terbuka dibagian bawah. Apalagi jika tiba-tiba angin keras bertiup. Tidak bisa menampilkan kesan kuat bagai Marlyn Monroe, melainkan rasa malu yang tidak berkesudahan. Maka dengan bijaksana gue memilih kaos warna-warna terang, celana pendek berkantong dan sendal jepit. Demikianlah analisa gue. Ahh...gue merasa pintar.

Alasan kenapa gue memakai celana pendek berkantong adalah hal yang harus diperhatikan nomer dua sebelum gue jalan kaki malam-malam. Kantong-kantong ini sangat penting. Gue memillih beberapa benda yang selalu gue masukkan kedalam kantong.

Pertama, adalah uang secukupnya. Tidak perlu segepok atau satu celengan ayam dikeluarin semua. Beberapa uang ribuan sudah cukup. Jalan kaki dimalam hari adalah saat-saat pertemuan gue dengan abang-abang. Abang tukang nasi goreng, tukang sekuteng, bakwan malang dan tukang somay. Kalo gue bawa duit rada banyakan gue jajan yang mahalan. Kalo ternyata duitnya kurang, gue tawar mati-matian dengan mempertaruhkan nama baik nyokap gue dikomplek ini. Ahh... senangnya berbagi..

Kedua, adalah kunci rumah. Ingat, jika kita memutuskan untuk keluar rumah, maka harus bisa masuk lagi. Jangan mau dinyamukin semaleman. Please deh...

Ketiga, adalah henpon. Nyokap suka riweh dengan aktivitas gue jalan kaki malem-malem. Biasanya ada kalimat-kalimat seperti ini yang gue dengar.. "Ngapain sih keluar malem-malem....mau jadi apa, hah..?! kalo ketemu orang jahat gimana?" Ketika henpon gue berbunyi, berharap mereka khawatir gue nggak pulang-pulang tapi ternyata nyokap atau kakak gue nyuruh sekalian beliin nasi goreng. (-__-") 

Sorry ya, ma. Gue nggak bisa jelasin sama mama alasan kenapa gue suka jalan kaki malem-malem. Gue cuma mau lihat bintang... Gue cuma pengen yakin kalo bintang gue masih ada diatas sana.

Regards, 

Kezia Mamoto

The Right Way

Once again, I want to meet you. Standing in front of you. Just simply shake your hands and be aquainted with you. The right way.

The day when I'll be seeing you. Wouldn't be a second chance or reunion of the lost ones. Not deceive fact, believing it will be our first meeting that we never had yesterday, just the day and tomorrow. The right way.

The day when I'll be seeing you. Wouldn't intent to re-connect interrupted conversation, or the delayed one. Not as well as to satisfy the yearning. Just talking to you. The right way.

The day I'll be seeing you. In the morning when you'd wake up. When we would hear the cock crowed. And the sun dimmed behind the window. There won't be a slight of memory or history. Just one bright morning ahead of us. The right way.

Only once again, I want to meet you. When two people stand one on one. Starting a story. That has never existed. The right way.

*Dimensi, on May 2010

Kezia Mamoto

I'm F.I.N.E

How are you? Are you ok? 

Sure! I'm fine. Really. There nothing's the matter with me. Nothing. I'm good. Everything is fine. Everything is good. No worries. You think I'm crying? No, no. I just have something in my eyes. It'll be out in a minute. I'm fine, you know. Just stop asking, k?! No, no. I'm not lying. I'm fine. I'm good. Stop asking.

Sorry, what did you say? I wasn't pay attention. Oh, no no.. I'm fine. A little out for awhile but I'm fine. Well, you seemed so over-talk so I just need a time to absorbed everything you've said. But I'm fine now. Nothing's wrong, k?! I thought we already finish with that. Do I make myself clear, It's fine. I'm fine. See?

I'm not myself? I'm fine. It's nothing! Seriously, stop interrogating. You just make it worse. Stop it. I'm fine. I'm not making excuses. I'm trying to explain. Don't you just believe me? I'm fine! Why don't you ever listen? See, you're not listening. I'm telling the truth. Why should I talk to you? You just refuse to trust me. I'm fine. Stop asking and leave me alone. Shut up, will you?!

Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. I was just so frustrated trying to explain it to you. Now, just stop asking. I'm fine. I'm good. Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine. Everything is good. Perfect. Life is great. I promise. There's nothing to tell. Let it go, would you? Drop it.

Let's talk about something else. I'm sorry, It's fine, fine. I'm fine. I don't care. I promise. But its not important. What about you, How are you? Are you ok?

...

Don't you ever tired of people asking "how are you?" or "what's wrong with you?" and the well-manner would be an answer like this, "I'm fine"?

Fine.

Well-said but I, personally detest it. Given the following scenario above, tell me a reason why the word "fine" does any good? Encountering that word frustrates me, or I don't know, maybe some people too. I'm not saying that all people are practically lying when they said, "I'm fine" or "Its fine". I just happen to find that people muttering that word to build a significant, impenetrable wall. A wall that say, I wanna shut you out! You know, just a 'leave me alone' part and being just 'okay' with those dark places behind the wall.

I think not-being-able to-talk-about-it, is one of the reasons why people say 'fine'. You know, we don't trust a person enough to tell the truth, share the real events and emotions. Or a person who asked is a person they barely knew, as a who-don't-really-know-me kinda person. The other reason would be, you know, you want to seem tough so people don't have to worry about you, until things are really really fine and you get it altogether. Sometimes, its not really comfortable to explore that word, avoid further questions. Its frustrating and scary when you start talking about it and turn out they're still don't understand. So eventually, we settled down into the feeling of what so-called 'fine'.

It bugs me so much that the word  fine , most of the times, is so wrong and non-descriptive. Do you feel the same way when you say and hear the word fine?

QUESTION: Sometimes I tell people "I'm fine" and they don't believe me. Why not? ANSWER: Approximately 20% of your ability to communicate is verbal, leaving about 80% as non-verbal. Non-verbal communication includes tone of voice as well as facial and body signals. When our verbal and non-verbal signals do not match, most people will respond to the non-verbal.

2002 Russell P. Friedman, John W. James and The Grief Recovery Institute

As a teacher, I hear this simple kind of conversation every day with my students, or more time in one day that you could possibly thought.

How are you today?

I'm fine. Thank you.

It's like a default setting. And I hate myself every time I asked that question and hear the same answer over and over again. I'm guilty of it. The thing that we called 'virtue ethic' and don't give a rat-ass how are you.

John Bridger: How are you?
Charlie Croker: [shrugging] I'm fine.
John Bridger: Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you?
Charlie Croker: Unfortnately, yeah.
John Bridger: Freaked out...
Charlie Croker: Insecure...
John Bridger: Neurotic...
Charlie Croker: And Emotional.

-The Italian Job

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

uuhh...what's your name again?

Ni yee.. hari ini gue mau nge-blog tentang satu lagi kejadian yang ganggu banget seharian. Well, since my mind already disturbed anyway, so just go along with it...

Sabtu pagi yang harusnya jatah gue molor sampe siang terpaksa pupus. Gue dibangunin sama temen gue lewat misscall jam 5.30 teng!, gue hampir emosi denger ringtone gue sendiri. Kita harus ikutan training teacher masal. Eniwei, akhirnya gue dan temen-temen gue jalan tuh ke kantor pusat dengan wajah-wajah merindukan bantal.

Nyampe disana, kita duduk manis dikursi masing-masing. Didepan gue udah berdiri seorang wanita berkebangsaan Filipina yang berpostur tegap dan berwibawa. Dari penampilannya keliatan ni orang pinter dengan kacamata bingkai tebal keren, make-upnya rapi dan rambut digulung ketat keatas. Gue takjub. Secara gue dateng cuma pake celana jeans, kaos, rambut belom dikeramas dan sendal seadanya yang gue temuin dimobil gue. Kacamata pink gue malah bikin tambah ciut. Gue nggak sanggup deket-deket sama ni orang, kebanting abis.

Sampai dia mulai ngomong, gue masih takjub. Pronunciationnya rapi, kalimatnya tegas dan jelas, sampai gue nggak sadar ngeliatin mulutnya terus, ekspresi gue bagai orang tuli yang cuma bisa baca bahasa bibir sambil melongo dongo. Amazingly, she can open her mouth very wide! dan dia bisa ngucapin phonics blend '-sh, sh-' tanpa ada yang muncrat dari mulutnya. Keren.

Kemudian tibalah saat dia memperkenalkan diri. Dia bilang, dengan tutur kata yang sopan dan berwibawa, "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cinderella." Mulut gue langsung ngatup. Hap! Ngedrop!

Moment inilah yang bikin telinga gue terus-terusan mendengungkan nama itu. Cinderella. I mean, of all thousands of names, her parents chose that word to became her name. Fascinating! And that one, is very unique and rare. Cinderella. Sekali lagi ah... Cinderella. Lagi... Cinderella. Rasanya gimanaaaa gitu dilidah... Cinderella!

Setelah dia memperkenalkan diri, dia menambahkan begini, "I'm not really comfortable of people calling me Cinderella, so they usually call me Cindy. I'm not the Cinderella from the story book cause I'm not wearing a glass slipper, I just wearing black shoes" sambil nunjukin stiletto nya sama kita. Ahhh.... sekarang lebih masuk akal.

Soal pemilihan nama ini, kadang gue pengen nanya sama para orang tua. "What were you thinking?"

Gue tau dibalik semua nama pasti ada storynya. But besides all that stories, we, who are named, must carry that word to represent ourself forever, up until it craved in our gravestone. My goodness...

Tinggal di Indonesia rada susah mengimpor nama-nama barat. Output nya nggak seperti yang dibayangin. Dulu gue pernah punya temen SMP. Namanya Angela. Begitu diabsen sama guru, dia mengucapkan nama itu dengan empat suku kata. A-ng-e-la. Ada lagi temen gue bernama Rachel. Disekolah namanya berubah jadi Rahel. So sad. Nah, buat penyandang nama-nama impor, seberapa bangga lo sama nama lo sendiri ketika outputnya nggak seperti yang diharapkan?

Waktu SMP gue punya satu guru orang batak. Dia selalu mengganti Z dengan J. Nama gue resmi jadi Kejia. Ada juga yang nggak bisa bilang Z, nama gue jadi Kesia. *sambil mengenang kisah sedih itu... Gue nggak mau mengulang sejarah itu, makanya gue milih nama yang simple buat anak gue. Noah Putra. Noah babenya yang ngasih. Putra gue ambil dari salah satu nama tokoh dinovel gue.

Salah satu temen gue secara ekstrim memilih sebuah nama buat anaknya, Phoebe. *baca fibi. Gue nggak bisa bayangin dia sekolah di SD negeri dan gurunya orang batak. Begitu pegang absen langsung kesulitan manggil nama anak itu. Secara (sok) bijak gue nasehati temen gue itu sampai akhirnya dia mengubah pikirannya, banting stir dari Phoebe jadi Diajeng Sekar Ayu Ningtyas. Frustrasi kali.

Nah, buat yang orang tuanya terlalu kreatif kaya si Cinderella ini. Jangan salahin orang tua. Mereka punya harapan suatu hari dia bisa naik kereta labu atau dibuatin baju sama tikus-tikus Atau seperti kasusnya Krisdayanti yang ngasih nama anaknya Titania. Dia mungkin punya harapan suatu hari anaknya dipeluk diujung kapal sama cowok bernama Jack sambil main angin-anginan dengan backsound lagunya Celine Dion. Ada satu temen gue yang bercita-cita ngasih nama anaknya, Gina. Dalam hati gue memuji, bagus...bagus. Kemudian dia melanjutkan, "kepanjangannya Vagina Itilia". Dalam hati gue mengutuk, kunyuk...kunyuk.

Soal pemilihan nama, gue kasih salute sama tante gue. Dia pernah cerita sama gue waktu milih nama anaknya. "I chose this name and I consider how to spell and pronounce not only in English but also in bahasa, I was thinking if I write Joceline, in bahasa they will call her Jo-ce-lin, not Joslin. So I decide to spell it Joslyn instead." Sangat bijaksana!

Buat yang punya nama universal seperti Andy, Benny, *either with i or y, tenang aja. Lo aman. Well, klo di Indonesia, nama Budi masih masuk urutan favorite. Kepanjangannya bisa Budiman atau Budianto atau Budiono. Lo juga aman. Guru-guru disekolahpun senang menyebut nama lo dan juga ibu bapak lo. Tapi bayangin kalo lo salah satu objek penderita yang menyandang sebuah nama unik, seperti si Cinderella.

Bayangin skenario singkat ini....

A: hey...cewek... kenalan donk..

B : boleh

A : nama lo siapa?

B : Cinderella

A : oohh.. hah? siapa?

Mendadak budek.

Menurut gue, perlu keberanian untuk menyandang nama-nama unik. Gue yakin sebelum si Cinderella menyingkat namanya jadi Cindy, pasti sempat mengalami masa-masa kelabu dijaman SD atau TK nya waktu dia bilang, "my name is Cinderella". Contoh di Indonesia, Seno Gumira yang sangat nyeni itu ngasih nama anaknya Timur Angin. Melly Goeslow ngasih nama anaknya Lelaki Bernama Hoed. Need loads of courage to look in the eye and say your name out loud. Si Budi belom tentu punya nyali kaya gini. Bravo!

Regards,

Ke-Zi-a Ma-mo-to

Life, please be gentle

I wish you could see my vision in a better view, so you could see things the way I see. Sometimes words in not enough to share it all. Sometimes words can do more than what I meant to from where I began. 

I wish I could share you my thoughts in a better way, but I never expect you to feel the way I feel it. Not my problems. No. I think people has enough problems on their life that they have no-more time for others problems. I don't think they're being selfish, they're being human.

I spend my days walking around, sit on a chair and see people and wonder, what kind of life that these people are living. They were laughing on jokes, not knowing what was behind those jokes. People holding hands one day and the other day they can not look in the eye anymore. It's more complex than what appears in the outside. Nobody understands one to another.

The voices inside my head can not stop talking, these eyes can not stop seeing series of what life could have been on the term of 'what if?', and these ears can not stop sounding different songs that supposed to be a back-sounds of this kind of life I'm living. It's like standing in the middle of the crowd but I was never there. The only thing that seems always be with me is my thought. Maybe that's why it's important to share my thought in the end.

Up until this day I survive living this life. Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok. I wish, for God's sake, I wish I could understand that this life is worth living. I wish I would know why things still not make sense in the morning after. Life can't be this sucks, can it? A 'delete' button, like in a computer, will not solve, it will mess out the order instead. Crying, swearing, laughing, or even jumping from the 13rd floor will do nothing too. Then, I just wish. Wish that life will not so mean. Not being able to understanding life brings a thousand thought per minute. Then I wish for a peace of mind to rest and sleep off.

God knows what He's doing, right? So I wish....I wish. Life, please be gentle.

never take life seriously, no one gets out alive anyways. -Jonny

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

A (not) Hero To Zero

All the way home, while I was driving my car, I couldn't get this one phrase out of my mind.  I didn't know how this phrase slipped inside my mind but it bothered me a lot. So I decided to write it down. "a hero to zero".

Not everyone has what it takes to be a true hero, and perhaps that is why society often labels people heroes who are not really heroes at all.

If a hero means someone who we can look up to based on their value action and if bravery, act of courage and sacrifice are their qualities, then let's go to Spiderman, Hercules and Superman. Are they exist in the real world? I don't think so. That's the masterpiece of Stan Lee, my friend. Well, except Hercules, I mean. He's ancient history.

I, personally, think, heroism is more about collective admiration of particular individual selected by society. But as a person in (my) psychological perspective, people set the figure of hero in the state of human perfection, they apparently have analyzed in mind when deciding upon whom to idolize. That's why I heard people said, "he might be not a hero to you, but he's a hero to me". In some deeper level means that 'your world' is save.

Again, personally I'm a little bit skeptical about the hero concept. As far as I can see, it refers to perfection, daydreaming and personal expectation about a person who is expected to behave in particular way. And since we're living in imperfect world, truth is, just like Ted Leo and The Pharmacist sang, Even heroes have to die. No one lives forever, love. Most of the time, heroes fall. A hero goes to zero.

You see, zero indicated the absence of any or all units. By all means, zero is nothing. Big O. A hero to zero. From something to nothing. From someone to no-one. Ironic. I read many articles about this sudden fall. Worldwide reviews about a football player, soccer team, a priest, etc.

And some of the reviews was personal experience, heartbreak stories of people who devastated enough to feel betrayed by their hero. A departure of family members, an abandonment of lovers and betrayed by friends. All expressed in a depression poems, an angry story and sad quotes. I believe they know that 'their world' isn't save anymore.

...

Once I met this one person, who became a hero to several people. It has been said according to his kindness, good behaviors and attitude. No great achievement or goal, just ordinary people who some people believe has the qualities to be a hero. But for me, I once known him as a man who always been there for me. He was my person, my someone.

He helped me fixing our roof, which I couldn't do it by myself. He promised us a sunshine in a stormy weather, which was impossible but he tried the best way he could ever been. He hugged us when we cried, which felt much better than crying alone. He hold our hands and walked side-by-side with us. He promised to do whatever it takes to be responsible for things that matters to him. He was brave enough to take some risks when it comes to decide what was important in our life. He had sacrifice for us. And most of the time, he was there when the world seemed cruel and unkind, saved us from the loneliness. Somehow we believed that this is the hero in our little world.

Once a reality stroke, a hero slipped away. We had it together so far and there's no more, without telling us what went wrong. Dragged down a picture on the wall, packed a bag and walked away. Left a life and didn't look back. Days gone by, and months after the grieving-part felt. From loving to missing and the hating-part comes next....permanent. I gotta picked up the pieces since the hero gone, back to square with what he left behind. What's the good comes from that? Zero. How to get over a zero when zero already means nothing? Sorry that I had to put a 'F...CK' word in your face, love.

A hero to zero, it's like we losing you... and for us, maybe you never were a hero on the first place. Nothing more. Just zero.

 

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto

Hush Little Boy

Hush little boy, just go out and play
Forget the weekend your daddy promised to come by.
Hush little boy, don't cry.
Maybe he'll return your call later on as he promised you anyway.
Hush little boy, rest from asking why daddy didn't stay.
Not a single hug and a goodbye.
He is now a man free to roam, coming home wasn't the one he worried.

I know...

You didn't ask to be brought here, you didn't ask any of this.

You were created between my love and his.

Yet, somehow, it's just you and me, you see.

Now, sit with me here and I'll always be there.

What do I tell you once you grow?

That all daddy's promises were about being a hero.

Doing special things with his life.

As I know one day, I have to make up stupid little lies.

Hope it may give your little broken heart some peace.

Hope that you don't hate, nor care, that the love you need never really there.

I'm sorry that the world is not rainbow.

The colors aren't green, red, blue and yellow.

I'm sorry that black and grays added a sorrow.

But I promise that the skies will not cloudy all day.

That the rain will too makes your day.

Now, hush little boy
Go back to sleep and I'll sing you a lullaby. 
Even the little T-Rex toys which one brought joy,
And a car puzzle that never done stands as yesterday.
We'll do it another day.
No need to watch through a keyhole of a life worth fighting for.
Daddy's promise is to come back as before.
One day maybe we'll see daddy's walking through that door.

p.s. Its not the same without you....please come home.

Regards,

Kezia Mamoto